Mastering Tough Conversations at Work: How to Stay Calm and Get Your Point Across

A businessman in a suit, immersed in his smartphone, stands behind a desk in a rustic office setting with a laptop and coffee cup.

At one time or another, we've all lost our cool at work. Maybe you pulled an all-nighter to get a job done, only to feel your blood run cold when it was criticized by a client. Or perhaps somebody didn't pull their weight and dumped their work on you at the last minute. These everyday job frustrations make your blood boil. But some interactions are especially draining.

You know them too well—those kinds of discussions that involve breaking bad news, giving negative feedback, or making demands such as asking for a raise or apologizing for a serious mistake. These are conversations you simply dread.

When we anticipate or are having difficult conversations, our emotions are typically engaged. Even the concept of conflict and confrontation could make your skin crawl if you consider yourself to be a sensitive peacemaker. You may well dread messing things up or offending your boss or letting your team down, even when you are not satisfied with your circumstances.

Difficult conversations make us emotional because our brains experience them as a threat. The fear that our emotional brain feels—of being disliked or losing status—is interpreted as equivalent to physical ejection from the group and creates literal pain. In fact, your brain can't tell the difference between social exclusion and physical pain, neurologically speaking, researchers argue; this is why rejection—or even the threat of rejection—is so hurtful.

When you get into a tough conversation, your heart starts beating, your breathing speeds up. Then, when your fight-or-flight response kicks in, it's all the more likely that you're going to get upset." Because of their genetic wiring, sensitive strivers—high-achieving individuals who are also exceptionally sensitive—are far more likely to experience potent, complex emotional responses during hard conversations. It's not infrequent for my coaching clients to report that they've cried in a meeting or spiraled into an emotional tailspin following an unexpected question from their manager. Very often, the exact same clients tell me that they wish they could get a handle on themselves in the moment and instead arrive more calm, authoritative, and full of executive presence.

It's important to explain that it is normal to feel upset during a difficult conversation. Emotional intelligence, though, involves something called emotion regulation: the ability to dial into how you are setting your emotional controls privately and expressing your feelings publicly in a way that is grounded in integrity and leaves you feeling proud. You can't do any of that without that ability.

 How to Have Tough Conversations When You Hate Conflict

An almost ridiculously simple strategy for presenting your best self in hard conversations. Difficult discussions are inherently uncertain ("Will she laugh at my request?" "What if I offend them?"). Remove some of that uncertainty—and the emotionality that comes with it—by jotting down key points you might want to make during the conversation. These should be high-level, headline-like marks that can help you get back on track. Avoid the perfectionist trap of making an exact script to repeat word for word. This kills authenticity, and you will be even more nervous should the discussion of the study go less than perfect.

Also, define what you hope to get from the conversation. Your goal must be specific and achievable. Intending to "win" is a losing battle. Aim for something that's within your hands, like making your point or effectively explaining your concept in simple terms.

 Gather Your Strength

Now and then, when I'm prepping a client to have a tough conversation, I ask them to tell me about the three toughest things they have ever overcome. They needn't be immediately related to whatever is going on. Just the act of telling yourself that you can transcend obstacles gives you the confidence to be bigger than your fears and doubts.

Positive imagery can also help. For all practical purposes, your brain can't tell the difference between what's real and what's redrawn from memory. When you close your eyes and see yourself remaining cool and composed in the middle of a really tough conversation, the same neurochemical waterfall starts to flow, whether it's something you're remembering, experiencing, or just anticipating. So, picture yourself in the thick of the fight. What do you look, feel, and sound like when you're at the top of your game?

 Treat it as a Collaborative Conversation

Suppose you have to address an enormous mistake your direct report made. You are tempted to start off with blame-oriented questions like "How could you let this happen?" Your strong emotions overpower your report to retreat or go on the defensive, and problem-solving is unlikely.

Listen first to drain the emotional charge. Open-ended questions like:

- What led you to this?

- What have you tried to do to sort the matter so far?

- What are you going to do?

Listening and questioning can allow you to gather more information, but it can also give you space to stop, breathe, and collect to react professionally.

 Try Using a Mantra

Research reminds us that softly repeating one word or a simple phrase to oneself does, in fact, relax your mind. In other words, creating a mantra can be quite helpful in pacifying the inner critics that drive the strong emotions in distressing interactions. Most of my clients create simple anchoring phrases like:

- Stay neutral.

- It will pass.

- I can survive this uncomfortable feeling.

- I can only do my best.

- I am responsible for how I feel.

Beware of Emotional Contagion

Humans do this chilling thing where they naturally synchronize their emotions to those around them. Of course, sensitive strivers have more robust mirror neurons, which make them much better empaths but also more likely to get absolutely drenched in negativity in awkward situations.

To stop yourself from taking on your counterpart's emotions during a tough conversation, imagine you're covered in a see-through bubble that protects you from their reactions. Claire Wasserman, founder of Ladies Get Paid, once shared with me that she imagines spraying her body with gold armor before going into a fraught negotiation.

Finally, my clients find it useful to separate the content from the delivery. Listen carefully to what is actually being said by someone—the words issuing from their lips, not their tone or your judgment about the content. Just keep your boat moored to the dock of objectivity, and you can bring your best game to the table.